To Monique

Dear Monique,

I owe you a big long message. I feel like I never fully explained what’s gone on in my head and how I’ve felt. First I’m a really emotional person so I’m fighting tears writing about you, which I think says a lot about how I feel about you but moreso who you are as a person. I wouldn’t change anything about you and I never felt that way about a person. You’re funny and beautiful and kind hearted and caring and artistic and really my favorite person I can’t express how much you’re my favorite person. I mentioned I learned so much from you and it’s true you’ve been such the brightest spot for me and the past handful of months and months have felt like a blur to where now its a horrible horrible feeling not having this bright spot in my life anymore. And now I find myself alone while I pace around my apartment looking around at things that don’t feel as meaningful and wondering where did I go wrong. I think I fell in love with you quick. And through squeezing your hand I was sure of it. And you knew me so well. And your ability to empathize and share with me is so beautiful. I think I was also in shock that this girl who I think is literally the prettiest person from Susquehanna wants to talk to me. And then the blur happened where we would hangout and you were my favorite thing about my day. Then I remember you telling me you got the opportunity to go west to Seattle which I knew was something you’ve always wanted and something you should do. I was really happy about that. But can I be honest too I was also really really scared and I think for many reasons. I loved you I was noticing that it was only growing for me, I could see life with you, and I didn’t know what any of that meant and what to do because past situations didn’t end up well for me. And part of it is not believing in myself and loving myself enough to be confident that it wouldn't fail to something of the likes that she found someone else out there. And I was really scared to hurt again and feel as deeply as I did before. But with you that couldn’t ever be the case no matter how hard to tried to shield myself. I loved you always. I think we knew moving would be big and I knew it would be and I think I also tried to pretend it wasn’t real or that it can’t affect me if I protect myself and don’t think about it don’t think about it stay busy. I have this song that always plays in my head and its the Beatles, "Across the Universe" where they say " Jai Guru Deva, Om, Nothing's gonna change my world" for whenever the world feels too much for me. And that maybe was easy for me but it was only the false comfort I thought I had because I felt a sense of security having you in my life, and behind the scenes im in fear but playing it off like everything is fine. And I think that in turn, me not being present and showing you I have more to give, only ended up hurting you and having you question if we can do this. And its ironic in all my fears and me trying to shelter things or be flowing with things only ended up exacerbating something that i wish i would have just jumped all in on.  I think everything coming out of the Seattle trip in the weeks after was tough to a degree because I felt like we had some good conversations and at that point too I probably was shocked it all came to an end and felt I didn’t have that time after the trip to show we can do this or that I know what i have to do to make you feel loved. I But that doesn’t matter because now I pace around my apartment wondering why didnt I do this, why didn’t I just jump in and let all my feelings down from the start. I wish I did , I should have and I’m really sorry about that. And I feel really guilty because it’s just my stupid brain telling me to protect itself. Which I think is funny because now I’m hurting as bad as I’ve ever in my life. And I’m going to feel regretful because you’re this girl I saw zero flaws in and someone I love no matter what and I passionately would fight to be with you. It’s not I care about long distance. It’s never I can’t do long distance. It’s I’m afraid and of getting hurt. Which I’m learning, was inevitable as long as I loved you. So the better question and one I can beat myself up on is, why don’t i just let go next time and let myself love and be loved? That’s what I’d do differently. I wouldn’t have these barriers and pace myself on how I should behave or love you. I’d be all in. I don’t care how far away from you I am, I still love you and I still want a life with you in it. I still want to make you feel like you have companionship and you are special all the time, even if it’s miles away. And I know you want to move on. I can’t stop that for you and I wouldn’t because you deserve to be happy. And i know some days we will grieve, and we will cry, and we will be frustrated and angry with each other and try and see our stories through different lenses. But i know deep down its only because hurting and trying to grasp on to something to understand. none of that gets in the way of how much i feel towards you and how much i love you. I’ll wait for always now, whatever that means. Hopefully it’s a life with you in it.